|atresac||i had a speech today
in my public speaking class. we had to do a narrative speech on some event in our lives that impacted us. my teacher told us last week that it's not uncommon for the speakers to cry during their speech, because they are sometimes dealing with really heavy stuff for them.
so i get up and the entire time i am dead fucking serious. i ask everyone "who has ever been unhappy with how they look," and almost every hand goes up obvs. then i ask "ok, who has ever been unhappy with how they look, beyond just something like a bad hair day, or a pimple, or something like that. i mean you look at yourself in the mirror, and you just really don't like who you see."
at this point people start getting an idea for how heavy this is going to be and they're just staring at me wide-eyed like "oh."
so i start talking about being a kid in middle school, when i was fat and had really bad skin and how everyone would make fun of me, and i am straight-up milking it. i was actually a little nervous during the speech, so my voice was wavering just enough so that it sounded like i might be getting ready to cry at any moment.
i go on about how even after you grow up, their words stick with you, and you never get over it, and for the rest of your life you tend to see yourself the way they saw you no matter what.
but then i say "that all changed one day, though. i came to realize that what they said then didn't matter, because they weren't seeing the real me. because this *gestures to self* is not who i am. this is not my real face."
i kneel beneath the podium, come back up wearing my fucking latex horse mask.
people start fucking dying, and some people are still kind of shellshocked and are having a hard time coping with the sudden whiplash.
i stop wavering (the mask actually helped with this to an extent) and start talking like a dude making an inspirational speech.
"i'm not josh, the fat middle-schooler with acne they knew. i am YORICK, and i am a majestic stallion, born to gallop in the fields with the wind in my mane and the dust clouding beneath my hooves." i start talking about how the horse is my real face, and my "real" face is actually the mask, and end on a note of how no one can decide who you are for you.
also, at some point after i put on the mask, i hear "i'm crying..."
my speech was so beautiful it moved people to tears.
|~dr_dude love~||My current situation.
So you have been probably been wondering, "Hey wheres DDL??" "gosh! I miss how he blessed us with his glory and honor of attending such site" well yeah I recently moved to a p nice apartment for the time being. (reasons that will not be explained because my dad is dumb) but yeah had to move out of the old maxypad to a semi nice maxypad. I have to whore some fucks wifi to get online and do homework and shit. Tried using a hotspot app from cydia but 3G blows to the max so yeah. I also got to connect my laptop to the house computer monitor because the screen backlight is shot. I probably wont be posting much here until I move into the new house in couple months (2 tops but ehhhhhhhhhh who knows) But yeah I hope you enjoyed a laugh out of my expense. Hope to see you guys in hell soon baiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
|BNet||seriously, who is this.|
|duelmonkeyx||Man fuck ddl|
|mistero della mente||only reason i clicked the link to this post was because i thought it was spoon
shut up ddl
|amir25atw||OK Here is how to make a grapefruit bomb.
A lot of people have seen american pie. Where the guy tries to f*** the pie.
Well one night i had a grapefruit so i cut a hole in the grapefruit and tried to f*** it. It burned my dick like a *********.
So I just threw it behind a mirror.
Two weeks later I had a couple friends over. We were having fun playing Rockband, watchin porn, small amounts of cheeba, playin basketball and shit... all of a sudden I reached behind the mirror. There was the grapefruit.
Alright so I picked it up. The insides were f***ed, as I peered through the little hole. The insides were all black and shit. The whole outer skin of the grapefruit was all mushy and soft... but still 96% intact. (the hole in the grapefruit)then, as soon as my friend (xjt and pun it was lue) looked at me I threw it as hard as I could right in his face.
IT f***ING EXPLODED (silently of course,not like an actual bomb) and went all over my f***ing room there was black shit everywhere i didnt even know that there was that much shit in a lone grapefruit. It took forever to get that black shit out of the carpet. As it took my friend forever to get the black shit out of his clothes (brand new shirt lul), and face. And it got ALL over my wall and ceiling idk it was a mess. It was the hardest each of us have laughed in our lives though. lmfao...alright.
SO HERES HOW TO MAKE THIS SHIT:
1. Get a grapefruit, but a hole so that your dick can fit in it, or maybe smaller.
2. Place it in a warm room.
3. Wait 1 or 2 weeks and throw them at people.
I just happen to have about 6 on standby at the moment. But please remember the shit gets all over and in your carpet.
K no ones gonna do it but still, it was pretty fun.
|~dr_dude love~||so everytime i click the random post loader
it stays in the same year
and only goes back like 2 months
|Dan||The very first time I clicked the random post loader, it took me to a worthless cunt hair of a post made by you back in April.
So suck my balls.
|Grecian||hey ladies, have you met bnet?|
|Kazuya Mishima||Hey BNet, have you met ladies?|
|L9||two trains pull into a station
one of them says to the other, "boy, have I had a long day"
the other responds, "yeah, I'm WHEELY tired!"
|mistero della mente||bnet i cooked you a delicious meal|
|mistero della mente||its a pizza i ordered. i hope you like it.|
|BNet||what's on it|
|mistero della mente||me naked|
|real_decimic||My computer played an April Fools joke on me yesterday.
Booted up into Windows and got a Blue Screen of Death. Booted up into Linux and got a kernel panic.
Booted back up into Windows and Firefox and Windows Explorer (not IE) stopped responding every 5 seconds.
|BNet||Microsoft is well known for their dry sense of humor|
|Punisher2||The one bad quality about this place is
my mom before i came told me to make sure i say thank you for things and so i have been like when my aunt makes me food or something.
But see yesterday she woke me up at 9 am after i stayed up late to give me breakfast, when i couldve just woke up later and then ate before doing whatever i had to do for the day.
I was tired all day because of that which is funny because she said that she wouldn't chase me around about wut to eat and wutnot because im a grown man i can make stuff for myself etc'
im with that though i dont always need a cooked meal when i wake up, i can eat cereal too.
|L9||mention to her the night before that you might go to bed kinda late so you're gonna sleep in|
|xjt22||o cock we need more inches no homo|
|mistero della mente||losing my apostraphe key
is really annoying.
|punisher2||itd be funny if you lost the period button|
|mistero della mente||id use commas for fullstops then, see easy,|
|punisher2||what if all your punctuation marks were robbed|
|mistero della mente||whos gonna steal my punctuation????|
|punisher2||a fella who likes run on sentences?|
|mistero della mente||i'd fuck that cock|
|purpngold49er||Fuck all that , the dirtiest bitchs do that and give the bitch that wants to dome you some herpes you dont want that. There better out just making out on my dick, then passing each other herpes.|
|purpngold49er||ok ill try to sound as white as possible
so dude there is like this chick i was trying to hook up with but she got drunk and starting making out with becky the neighborhood slut who we all know has a sexually transmitted disease , cause it was the "cool" thing to do, so now im like hold on you cant suck my dick anymore cause you just made out with the garbage truck im good.
So I dont condone girls kissing girls cause some dirty std slut will come along and give them a monster called herpes, when they could of been totally making out with my wiener and been safe. But now we have a herpes epidemic and shortening of head givers cause of that blasphemy.
|yellow Jr.||Americans in the hood
So I'm walking to get a pack of cigarettes and this black dude with braids and gold teeth and shades and shit comes up and he's like "yo, whatchu looking white boy?"
Now naturally I say what I say to these kind of people back home; nuttin, I'm good.
So he sees my watch (G-Shock with gold trim. Black, looks sexy) and he's like "yo, how bout you gimmie yo watch lil man"
Firstly; This is the first time a black person decided to try and fuck with me in the States, my accent usually keeps me good in the hoods here.
Now, given my history, you would expect me to be like "oh fuck" and start bolting towards the gas station, but not today. I told him "guh suck yuh mudda" and turned around and walked off. Then he grabbed my shoulder. I reacted almost instinctively, turned right the fuck around, put my hand around the back of his head and rammed my forehead as hard as I could into his mouth/nose. All I saw was blood everywhere on the ground in front of this guy when I looked at him, but I decided to walk off like nothing was wrong. I went back later on to go check my homie who I get weed from, and see this guy in front of said gas station as I'm walking with my homie. He fucking looks at me and doesn't say SHIT. Cause I laid him out in front of like four people, so he must've been pretty fucking salty but to embarrassed to try and get his respect back only to have his ass handed to him by the white Jamaican with blonde hair.
Felt pretty good. Too bad it didn't happen after I got this message today, but that's a different story.
|yofter_in_paris||Shut the fuck up you are not cool, tl;dr|
|purpngold49er||LOL i got to agree with yofter|
|amir25atw||probbly idk how else to explain it
she left and im still doing my homework so fuck
she also said
AND I QUOTE
Her: You could have a job right now Jacob! If you don't want to play a sport, more power to you, but you could be out mowing lawns right now!
Me: Yep. I could be out mowing lawns right now. Ok.
see my moms stupid. like really dumb.
|BNet||JAKE YOU FUCKING BUM GO MOW SOME SNOW.|
|amir25atw||lmfao yea later she was like
"You you better know damn rite your gettin a job in the summer"
i was like "like shoveling sidewalks?"
|amir25atw||Idk about you but if the choice was between Team Edward and Team Gump I'd pick team Gump.|
|Grecian||brady plz read!!
hey brady, its me, brady. i just want to thannk you, brady, for coming to this website and i actually invited brady here for a reason.
im coming out of the closet and i dont know how to tell you in real life, brady. so here it is. im gay as fuck.
|atresac||what a RETARD
what I love about this is his attempt to make it sound like he wasn't trying to tell gays to kill themselves.
|Grecian||at least he's honest|
|Grecian||if you put LOL at the end of a sentence it means no one can take offense to it|
|~dr_dude love~||gt was dead around the time it died.|
|magikarp||Hey everyone knows i pick sides by who says the funniest shit|
|~dr_dude love~||im going to stream
anything you use want!
|~dr_dude love~||fuck, you guys*|
|BNet||well fuck you too!|
|Unknown 1337||Past I'm tired of your shit
Im calling your ass out nigga im about to spank you lyrically
|mistero della mente||shut up and go away. you have been doing those word-association games of yours for the attention which no one on here gave you but i am going to indulge your need. you are so bad at what you are trying to do, the only applicable equivalent to the monstrosity of your 'raps' would be a blind man who's not just blind because of bad eyesight but his eyes were removed from his skull describing what a painting looks like. the past 30 years of musical concerts dedicated to feeding the homeless children in third world countries should have been dedicated to getting you to stop thinking you are black, even though you're like 13. the awfulness of your 'rapping' would have been foretold so those helping to feed the homeless could instead prepare for the introduction of your abhorrent use of the english language trying to form a coherent rap with actual verses that aren't a jumbled up piece of dog shit on a stick. if you were alive two thousand years ago and you posted those 'raps' on ndf, instead of crucifying jesus for what they considered to be his blasphemous beliefs, they would have crucified you instead. go away|
|L9||Sexism? You consider sound, wholesome advice about managing the plague that is the female species "sexism"?
You know, the more rights we give women the more energy we have to put into babysitting them--I mean, what's next, are we going to let them drive and vote too? This nonsense is most undoubtedly what will contribute to the fall of modern civilization. Why don't we just let monkeys and dolphins run the show too!
|PurpNGold49er||lets be real tho none of you know the american hustle no one here|
|xjt22||Past is such a robot with his typical replies|
|PurpNGold49er||the anti hustlers|
|amir25atw||you prolly had to hustle hard 2 ge TV that underwear model exposure|
|yofter_in_paris||Here is me today
For those of you who wanted to see...
I was never fat hahaha. My hair is very flexible. It can be frizzy and shit; turn into an afro. Sometimes it can turn into straight hair and look black.
Does this make you want to go running or play football/soccer with me?
|amir25atw||dog are you serious ...|
|yofter_in_paris||ADIDAS are cool
Nike looks like shite by comparison.
ADIDAS makes me look retro. like 80s or 90s. haha
|atresac||i will pay you $20 if you can find a SINGLE PERSON ON **EARTH** who gives a shit.|
|mistero della mente||so because its a new year i decided to be healthier
so i got some good ol' dumbbells out and decided to lift them a few times
now i can't straighten either of my arms and when i try to, its too painful
i regret skipping any physical activity for the past 9 years
|mistero della mente||my left arm aches more than my right arm
and i understand why
|mistero della mente||we've talked about our pubic hair before and you call me masturbating gross
|BNet||oh, THAT'S why? oh, that's not gross. i thought of a different reason|
|mistero della mente||no come on, tell me!!|
|BNet||well nothing, i just imagined shoving your fist and forearm directly up your asshole for the past several years would have taken its toll on your arm, but i didn't realize you just meant masturbating|
|amir25atw||OWWWWWW ITS WORSE THAN THE DAY AFTER I ATE SPORKS
My mom just cleaned the toilet, and mixed like bleach and peroxide and some other shit into the toilet water and let it sit, and I dropped a HUGE log, and ALL that chemicle water just tsunami'd into my asshole
|Past||am i a bully|
|BNet||no, bullies have an impact on people|
|BNet||you're more like a loaf of bread|
|Grecian||no, she got me a bunch of stuff that was all pretty sweet. i mean, i probably would have bought her more but i havent had money in goddamn 4 weeks because i spent all my money on christmas presents and my phone bill and gas.
what an awful holiday. whoever created it should be crucified.
|L9||the romans are 2000 years ahead of you|